Milk-Soaked Wood: My Ridiculous Quest to Denounce Weetbix


Weetbix is the worst thing to happen to cereal since soy milk. If you have never interacted with an Aussie or Kiwi, you may have never heard of it. Like most staples of Australian cuisine such as Vegemite and Tim-Tams, Weetbix will make you question if Australians have functional taste buds.

Weetbix is a popular ‘breakfast cereal’ in the realm of Australia and New Zealand. The term ‘breakfast cereal’ is in quotes because it looks nothing like cereal. My first encounter with Weetbix was online. I was chatting with an Aussie in an online group voice channel when she casually mentioned she was going to grab some Weetbix for breakfast. I asked her what it was and she and the other Australian in the group tried to describe it for me. When I asked for a photo they showed me this.

In all honesty, I legitimately believed that I was looking at wood floating in a bowl of milk. They told me that what I was being shown was Weetbix. It was a solid bar of a compressed grain. I then felt it was my American duty to teach these foreigners about how their entire nation is delusional and they are eating scrap wood for breakfast.

This isn’t where the story ends, though. It was a month after the conversation when I was on a talk show with a content creator on YouTube. It was an open forum show, so what could be a more interesting topic than Australian cereal? I did my bit about how Weetbix looks like wood and how screwed up Aussies are, but it wasn’t until after my time to talk that I learned I had upset a lot of Aussies in the audience. 

After my time to speak, the host thought it best to talk to an Australian viewer. He came on and said that I made some good points, but corrected me on how it isn’t the main meal itself, rather something to have toppings added to like Cheerios. Which I guess makes sense, but it doesn’t change the fact that it looks like soggy sawdust when it gets completely soaked in milk.

If a moral had to be extracted for this story I guess it would have to be something along the lines of ‘don’t judge a book by it’s cover,’ but my American stubbornness prohibits me from admitting fault. So until a kangaroo has me at gunpoint to force an alternative conclusion out of me, I say that American cereal is the best and Weetbix is a crime against grain-based products.

But everyone can agree that Vegemite is disgusting.


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